One Expensive Pregnancy Test

by Rebecca on November 29, 2011

If, by chance, you are a paranoid freak such as myself, and think three days of semi-nausea is a surefire sign of an unplanned pregnancy, know that all you have to do is develop kidney stone symptoms and get yourself to the ER where a pregnancy test will be performed before you get a CT scan.

I’m not pregnant.

But I felt like I was in labor this past Sunday.

I sent the hubs and the eldest child off to church while I stuck around at home to keep the contagious eye infection of my baby away from others, and to rest from the nausea I was terrified was morning sickness.  Not 15 minutes after the husband left, I started feeling pain in my lower left back and abdomen.  Within seconds I was all over WebMD, but wasn’t finding any helpful information.

The pain started getting so bad that the only way to deal with it was to pace the hall and breathe deeply.  I sent a text to my husband, telling him he should probably come home.  Knowing I am only prone to dramatics in speech, and that I would never ever tell him to come get me unless I was at death’s door, he raced home to find me screaming and crying.

I have been in labor twice, and I did not scream or cry during either labor.

The hubs started getting things ready so we could go to the ER, but I really didn’t want to waste the day at the hospital if I was only experiencing bad cramps or some other such foolish thing.

One scream later, however, and we were out the door.  I begged Ryan to take me to Instacare before we resorted to the ER, so we pulled up to our closest Instacare, only to discover the opening nurse had left her keys at home, and the facility was closed.

So I threw up in their parking lot, and we headed to the hospital.  Take that, closed Instacare!

Halfway there, I thought I was feeling fine again. “Maybe all I needed to do was throw up,” I told Ryan. “Let’s just go home.”  But then, at the intersection to the hospital, I was ready to throw my body under passing cars, just to be freed from the pain.  So my smart husband chose to turn into the hospital instead of heading home.

Once checked in and heavily dosed on morphine, I was feeling fine — and foolish for being there.  The doctors and nurses kept mentioning pregnancy, and other such things related to the topic, so I started to worry I was housing a vampire baby.  Turns out, they just wanted to rule out a pregnancy before they gave me a CT scan.  That makes a lot of sense now, but when one is under the influence of pain, nausea and drugs, the mind can jump to unrealistic conclusions.

The CT scan revealed a 3 mm kidney stone.  When they showed me the print-out of my insides, I swear the little stone winked at me.

They gave me lots of drugs and sent me home with the parting words that were somehow supposed to make me feel better: “Hey, this is as bad as labor, but at least you won’t have to pay for its college tuition.”  Nice one, doc.  Nice one.  My mind invented all sorts of tortuous devices to be used on the snarky little doctor once I found myself at home, screaming and crying yet again from pain.

I believe the little stone has since left my body, as I am now feeling all kinds of better.  As cheesy as it sounds, through this whole experience, I found a lot of sweet little mercies — Friends and neighbors stepped in with meals and childcare, countless people told me they were praying for me, and my husband happily took on all my responsibilities for the last couple days while I existed in a sleep-throw up-nurse the baby pattern of hell.

I’m almost ready to look back at this experience and laugh.  Almost.

{ 2 trackbacks }

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Vanessa November 29, 2011 at 7:01 pm

This is good to know, I have been trying to text you to keep on how you are feeling and if it has passed. I just need to put everyone’s blogs on my phone to see how they are!!

Well I am glad your hell has ended, gosh it sounded horrible. That was nice of people to help you, you are a lucky lady.

Emily November 29, 2011 at 10:50 pm

They did NOT leave you with those parting words. Please tell me they didn’t. I would’ve thrown up in their faces! Glad you are feeling better though…

Connie November 29, 2011 at 11:42 pm

I’m so sorry to hear of your pain. I have a friend who went through the same thing this past weekend. Must be something in the air/water! I’m glad you’re feeling better!
That doctor has a weird sense of humor!

aunt karen November 30, 2011 at 6:45 am

Oh my gosh – sounds like a living Hell (oops I mean heck….)
Sorry you had to go through that. I had a kidney stone once 25 years ago and have prayed it would never happen again (not as bad as your mom’s though. I’ve never forgotten her telling me how bad her’s was).
Glad it’s over and I’ll pray you never have to go through that again.
Love and miss you XXXOOO

Jol November 30, 2011 at 10:00 am

That is the worst weekend I can imagine. What a horrible experience! I’m so glad you’re feeling better. It is the WORST to be sick when you have kids to take care of.

mindy November 30, 2011 at 10:11 am

becca this is supposed to be a sad, agonizing story and i laughed all the way through…not because of what you went through but because of your writing…! you are incredible…i LOVE to read your stuff. no wonder you work in the business.! but besides that i am so so sorry for your pain. gag. gag. gag. what a horrible experience. ryan did good to get you to the right place. i hope you are 100% better. you are an amazing strong beautiful mother/wife/woman.

Linda November 30, 2011 at 11:30 am

Well it wasn’t funny when you were going through it and when Dad and I were so worried about you but it as funny as can be now. My stones never winked at me, no fair. When, girl are you going to write a book?

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