The other night, Lydia and I had a mother/daughter date to a local burger restaurant while one armed Daddy was at sign language class. (Don’t really know how well that could have worked out-see the following picture).
We sat in a booth next to another mother/daughter combo. This daughter was in her teens. I swear I wasn’t eavesdropping, but I can tell you every detail of their conversation. They were going over a school paper the daughter had written. The mother read through the paper while the daughter ate her meal. Then, the mother offered suggestions and critiques while the daughter made changes.
I was really impressed at the respect the two had for each other. The daughter easily could have been offended when the mother made critical comments. But it appears they knew each other well enough to make it work. The mother presented her sugestions in such a way that the daughter took no offense. And when the daughter didn’t agree with a suggestion, she refuted the suggestion in such a way that the mother took no offense.
As I listened (NOT eavesdropped, I swear), I taught my daughter how to dip her french fries in fry sauce. She received the lesson very well, but even so, there were moments where she needed my help. The trick was to wait until she ASKED for the help (asking is a very fluid term here. She’s 18 months old, after all). If I helped too soon, boy, was she ever mad. But when I waited for her to indicate her need for help, we both got along perfectly.
I know that the next chapter of my life is going to be all about these types of balances. Letting my child experience new things and allowing her to make mistakes. Waiting for her to ask for my help. Giving help without making her feel bad.
I hope I can do it right. And I hope that one day, when she’s in high school, we can go to a burger restaurant, dip our fries in the fry sauce, and have a good mother/daughter conversation with mutual respect for each other.
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Wow, this is an awesome post! I, too, hope to eventually reach that place of mutual respect and understanding with DS. You are right, in that it starts from the very beginning, when they are mere tots…. and, like you pointed out, it seems to be fostered by understanding and appreciating their need for autonomy, yet letting them know that you are there when they need you.
It’s a fine balance, an art really…. but I loved the place where the daughter/mom were, and i strive to get there too!